Re: pro europa

From: ef (
Date: Sat Feb 10 2001 - 13:37:13 PST

>Can't get rid of the need, just realized I had it. That's what made me step
>When I stop feeling like I'm trying to get people in the abstract to love me
>through a brush maybe I'll paint something again. Like I did the first time
>I tried it..
>Meanwhile there simpler ways for me to be neurotic.

it's weird. we all suffer from the same thing, in a way. the need and
the guilt. maybe what we suffer from... and we do suffer... is that
we are what we do. though you, are trying not to do.

i dunno... i can't seem to force myself to stop doing. everytime i
stop doing one thing something else bursts through, sorta.

it is true that i like approval, maybe even need it. but too, i get
totally excited all by myself at a nicely turned wordsequence, or a
picture or something. get lost in it somehow, and i like the feeling.

music is the best for that. i mean for totally stopping thinking. not
neccessarily in front of an audience, in rehearsal too. melting into
other musicians. but there too, to really get there, i will have to
have experienced something, a feeling maybe, that is already in my
brain. so vampire thing. blood. but maybe that's another subject.
cause when it's with an audience, and not just an approval like, you
know, wheeeee, cool, clapclap. but the other thing, when i m truly
lost and it spreads to the audience... it has happened a few times
that way. that's really cool. then i think i understand art. for a
few minutes, anyways.

gak, i'm rambling. heh... i dunno what i am trying to say.


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