some stuff, kinda allover

From: ef (
Date: Tue Mar 13 2001 - 09:14:17 PST

well, i started to work on what i hope is my project. that is, the
start of my project, what the kindly canada council gave me he money
for last summer to do. and which money, i, of course, spent a long
time ago. and which money they will want back if i do no project.

so i need to do project and pronto. also cause i kinda really got
depressed over the romania thing, seem to have misplaced my sense of
humour... wrote a looong post about that but it was too fucking
depressing and humourless, haha, so i never sent it... well, also
because of all that i decided to force myself to do some work...
maybe that way i can get back to myself, ohyouknow.

i decided to not do a cd-rom but instead to put it all on the web...
cause that way it's free, and i like that.

here's the start... right now, this part also repurposes something i
did in nwhq cause it ties into the idea of it but there will also be
other parts to it, it's all gonna go kinda llovertheplace, seguing
into the whole romanian thingie. orphans and dogs, ya know.

i am teaching myself flash so you will need the flash plugin your
browser... also netscape or exploiter that is 4 or above.

any critique you have to offer will be considered.but remember this
is small,only a start.

other than that, i talk to the grandfather every two weeks, he and
katika are doing okay. the rest of the family is not doing okay,
hungry, but i can't do anything about that right now, being very
broke myself. and the last time i talked to melinda, she wanted me to
take janoska away, to bring him with me to canada. cause he keeps
crying. and me, like the idealistic idiot that i am, actually checked
into doing that, i mean, i do love this kid and would adopt him,
educate him, all that... but, hahaha, when i found out how it would
cost to adopt him i almost shit myself. plus, i would have to show a
yearly income of $27000... oke, canadian, which as we know is on par
with the peso, but still. so then i asked around if anyone with an
income would, you know, marry me kinda, not a real marriage cause i
surely have no wish for that, but one of, you know, convenience....
me conveniently showing an income. to this end i made a dinner party,
invited some people, me, i cooked! then, wellfed, i sprung it on
them. needless to say, none were interested. whadda waste... and i
had even dusted!

so now i am afraid to talk to the family on the phone cause, well, i
feel so powerless, and i am afraid that there will be some new
emergency i cannot help with. so now, you see, i am afraid. and the
truth be told, i feel terrible about janoska. i really would like to
have him here. to help him become. i would change my whole life, to
do that.

also, i can't do anything about zoli, who is so far behind on his
rent that they are to be evicted at the end of the month. i have
advised him to sell the computer i brought him... what a drag, he
loves that thing, learned to instal linux on it and everything. would
carry it to work with him everyday, to plug in, as he has no monitor
of his own. but it is the only thing he owns and he can get about
$250 for it so it will at least assure them a place to live till
about june.

so then i had a crazy idea that maybe someone could kinda also adopt
zoli... you know, mentor him or something. someone who could provide
$200 a month to him for a couple of years. which unfotunately is not
me, i ain't got that kinda money. that mentoring would allow him to
go back to school, finish his degree... no, no longer in philosophy
but to do computer science, even there that would assure him of a
decent job, and for his wife eva to finish hers. she is to be a
teacher. cause, see, if he doesn't go back to school next year...
heh, yes, another disaster, they will take him away to be a soldier.
that's how it works there, compulsory conscription, don't matter if
you got a young family to support.

well, this scheme, i guess, is totally unrealistic as it is meeting
with much unenthusiasm. so i try to talk to zoli as much as i can, on
irc, to keep his spirits up. that helps too, just caring, you know.

well, there it is, i sure have a lot of crazy thinkings, some of
which work, and others which only reinforce some peoples idea that i
am a tad out of my mind. but fuckitall, ya gotta dream big, and ya
gotta do what you can. i really really believe that. i might be
swimming in quicksand and surely there is a lot of weight on my back.
but at least i am waving my arms, swimming, kinda... i won't be
sunk, nono.

so now you see why i had to force myself to start my project. cause
it's the only way i can deal with my frustration that everyone is not
as crazy as me. i wish they were, dammit, haha.


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