Date: Thu, 22 Mar 2001 16:08:01 -0700
From: ef
Subject: Re: e. wrote


Mark wrote:

But oddly, it does a little something to me like when I was reading Candide. All you've been through in your flea-infested adventure in loving real people face to face, betrayals and pointlessness and all . . . bringing fresh sting to Voltaire's politely scabrous uncovering of the silly horror of all and all prattling about our time, anyone's time, being 'the best of all possible worlds.'

And yet the beauty, still. Wow.


my favorite poet is a hungarian one, attila jozsef. attila jozsef lived in poverty and killed himself at the age of 35 or something, i am not sure. pre ww2, a long time ago, anyways. hungarians love poetry and they especially love attila jozsef. gypsies love him too, he was part gypsy.

i read candide when i was 14 or so. i remember i liked it. i was in grade nine, my first year in canada. i was very unhappy.

i don't feel betrayed... by whom would i feel betrayed? that human beings are shits i have always known. that some, a few, are not, i also know. no biggie, really. i'm no better than anyone else. i just hate myself a little more, haha.

and it is not pointless. sometimes i think it so, but that's cause sometimes i get tired. then it is pointless... then i think, what's the use of doing anything, us the squirming worms of the universe. there is two, and only two ways to think, and one must choose between them: there is death, and there is life. we are the only species cognizant of our mortality, that is our tragedy. thus the promised miracles of every bullshit religion... you know, the reward. that we matter. we do not matter.

but while we're around the thing is to concentrate. cause then it's kinda interesting.

gak... i am rambling

i haven't stopped whatever it is that i am doing. i still do care. i call romania. i am glad that katika studies, that grandfather is happy. and that they, at least, have food to eat. well, until about august, anyway. then the money i left runs out. but then i will start begging again and get some, hope you don't mind, haha.

i feel horrible about janoska, and the other children too. they are all good children. and they get spat on in the street. that's the real issue. that, and hunger. that people should be hungry is obscene. that children should get headaches cause the're hungry is obscene.

i still want to do something, i don't know what, but there is gotta be something. i care. and i am angry. being angry is good. i can concentrate real good when i am angry.

i gotta try to go back there this summer. somehow. i want those children to know that there is something, you know, something. not just the black hole to fall into. there is something.